• Unjust men risk wrath of Allah: Lekki Chief Imam
• Women should prepare to avoid disappointment: Polygyny Coach
The discussion over polygyny, especially among Muslims in Nigeria, was on Sunday, 1st December the subject of discourse at the 2024 Quarterly Da’wah Workshop of Lekki Central Mosque (LEMU) with scholars and polygyny experts encouraging Muslim women to embrace it, saying that the union is a reality in the Nigerian society.
Held at the Vice Admiral Jubrila Ayinla Multipurpose Hall, Lekki Central Mosque Complex, Lekki, Lagos State, the scholars also stated that polygyny is not as bad as being painted by some people, adding there are polygynous homes that are healthy and peaceful.
They argued that those who are capable should be allowed to have at most four wives at any given time, in accordance to Islamic principles, while women should see the union as a way of obeying the divine law of Allah and shall be rewarded and protected in their relationship.
Themed: ‘Polygamy as Ordained by Allah,’ the line up of speakers at the workshop included the Chief Imam of Lekki Central Mosque, Dr. Ridwan Jamiu; Director, Daaru Sa’aadah Islamic Centre, Sheikh Abu Labeebah Taofeek Busari; and Polygyny Coach Hajiya Maryam Nurudeen-Arole.
Muslim News gathered that the workshop – the last edition for the year 2024, was organised to deepen understanding of polygyny and disabuse the minds of women on the practice.
Polygyny is a reality in the Nigerian society: Chief Imam Lekki
Speaking on the topic, ‘Polygamy: Status, Reasons and Conditions,’ the Chief Imam of Lekki said polygyny is a reality in the Nigerian society, adding that there are a lot of healthy and peaceful polygynous homes.
“Some people practice polygyny well, while some do not. We have seen some men who are very capable and are good at home management, yet some women who are not married are scared of going into a relationship with them. We need to use this kind of programme to disabuse their minds and to reassure them that not all polygynous unions are bad,” he said.
Dr. Jamiu, however, urged men who practice polygyny to be careful so that they do not incur the wrath of Allah.
According to him, some men enter into polygyny for lust without having adequate understanding of it.
“When you are unjust to your wife in polygyny, it could be a serious sin in the sight of Allah. It could lead to very serious consequences in one’s health, wealth, and quality of life, and even in the hereafter. That’s why we need to create enlightenment about this so that we can be well guided.
“We have realised that most of the people who practise polygyny do not have the understanding. They only do it out of lust, and they end up being unjust to their women and make them suffer unnecessarily. They oppress their wives. But if they know the magnitude of sins they could incur in this, they won’t go into it.
“The Prophet (SAW) said anyone who has more than one wife, and inclines towards one, abandons the others, he would come on the day of resurrection while a part of his body is hanging as if it is paralysed,” the Chief Imam said.
He added that men willing to practice polygyny must understand the concept of fairness and justice, while also having the financial, physical, and psychological capabilities. He also charged them to go for counselling and seek the guidance of scholars.
“Managing the home is very important. If you can’t manage it well, even you as a man may end up not being happy in the relationship, and you also make your wives unhappy. Your life becomes unhappy, and you can also destroy the happiness of other people.”
Speaking further, the Chief Imam said wives who give other women a chance in their homes will earn Allah’s blessings. He also noted that polygyny is a mechanism to promote social welfare and wellbeing.
“When we have many women in society, we need to make sure that men who are capable bring them into their homes. And those who are at home should try to create room to facilitate happiness for their sisters.
“Allah has a promise for women who allow their husbands to take another wife if he is capable. In Q 58 vs 11, Allah says “O you believers, if you are told to give space in the assembly you are in, give space so that Allah will give space for you. That is, Allah will widen your blessings and promote your welfare. So, this verse is like a reward for women who allow their husbands to take more wives to solve social problems.
“Polygyny is actually meant to promote social welfare. It is a mechanism through which Allah (SWT) promotes the general wellbeing of societies. If a woman is suffering depression, one of the best ways to deal with it is having someone around her who can speak nice words to her, cuddle her, and show her love. That way, depression is likely to go.”
Demonstrate empathy, compassion in your unions: Abu Labeebah
Delivering a paper titled: ‘Managing a Polygamous Family,’ the Director of Daaru Sa’aadah, Sheikh Abu Labeebah, charged partners to demonstrate empathy, compassion and understanding in their unions.
He said, “We should be merciful, affectionate and compassionate in our polygyny. Showing empathy in our polygyny is what is required by Allah. We should know that either we are in a monogamy (with one wife) or a polygyny (with multiple wives), it is a form of worship, and we are seeking nothing but the reward of Allah and Al-Jannah.”
Sheikh Abu Labeebah also cautioned against the display of emotions in the union, noting such usually ends in regret.
“Managing our situations with solutions and not emotion goes a long way in making our home tranquil. What causes problems mostly is our emotions. We treat things with emotions, which is far beyond the reality of it. When you do things with emotions, regret sets in. You regret your action, you regret your statement. You regret everything that has come around it because it was as a result of emotions.
“The Prophet (SAW) has made us understand that anger is from no one but Shaytan. And when you treat issues with emotions, you are giving Shaytan a way to decide for you in your marriage. But when we choose solutions, then we have internalised the issues, taken our time to look at it through the way of Allah (SWT) and the Prophet (SAW) and practical experience. This works better than any other.”
• Women should prepare their minds to avoid disappointment, says Polygyny Coach
A Polygyny Coach, Hajiya Maryam, admonished women to prepare their minds ahead for polygyny to avoid any disappointment.
Emphasising that polygyny is a Quranic injunction, she said it is something Muslim men can do someday.
“We should not think that because they are nice to us, they won’t marry somebody else. We should just prepare our minds ahead. It’s going to hurt, definitely. But preparation and seeking help will help us. When a man promises you that he will not marry another wife, please don’t believe such promises. It will help you to prepare ahead,” she said.
Hajiya Maryam, who is also a Senior Legal Officer with the Lagos State Local Government Service Commission, said polygyny makes it easier for women to pursue their career, especially when in a positive environment as the co-wife can assist with raising the children.
Speaking further, she advised women to seek professional support and attend polygyny counselling sessions to improve their coping strategies.
“Women should seek professional support. I had polygyny coaches that I learnt from. I joined polygyny support groups. I paid for therapy just to be in a healthy state. We should be careful of bias. Don’t inherit your parents’ polygyny.
“Second wives, especially, should look at the home they are going to. They should look at the lifestyle, make enquiries about who they are. It helps you to relate well with them. Also, believe that whatever is happening is qadar. Don’t be sad, enjoy yourself, pursue your dreams because you have enough time to do so.”
Hajiya Maryam, who is from a polygynous home and supported her husband to go into it, also said wives in a polygynous setting are not mandated to live together under a single roof.
“Islamically, a man should provide according to the standard of his wife. You can’t force women to live together. Even if you want them to live together, the first years of marriage, they should be separate to live their individuality. It is not a must; they don’t have to live together.
“Men say they want unity, but sometimes unity can be from afar. Let everyone have their privacy. If you actually want them to live together, you have to persuade them to be sure it is something they agree with, and not forcing it on them. In the end, we will hear stories of houses that are destroyed because of forcing wives to live together,” she said.
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