A renowned marriage counsellor and founder of Baynakum Family Counselling Centre, Abuja, Dr. AbdulFattah Adeyemi says disobedience and insubordination between couples are major causes of growing divorce of marriages.
Dr. Adeyemi said this when speaking at the quarterly Da’wah workshop of the Lekki Muslim Ummah (LEMU) over the weekend at the Vice Admiral Jubrila Ayinla Multipurpose Hall, Lekki Central Mosque, Lagos.
The lecture was titled ‘Growing Marital Discord among Muslims: Causes and Solutions’, with the theme: “The Muslim Home and Contemporary Challenges” paraded an array of educationists, religious leaders and marriage counselors, who spoke on ranging topics.
Dr. Adeyemi described marital discord, which means Nushuuz in Arabic, as insubordination from the wife to her husband and vice versa. It also means when the husband or wife has left his/her responsibility to the other person.
“Nushuuz is insubordination from the wife to her husband or the other way round. The woman who does Nushuuz looks like the land that sticks out from its ground.”
Dr. Adeyemi identified other causes causes of marital discord as: irreconcilable goals and different direction in life, lack of shared interests, conflict, irretrievable breakdown in the relationship, infidelity/extramarital affairs, lack of intimacy, among others.
While proffering solutions, founder, Baynakum Family Counselling Centre said there are three different cases of Nushuuz, as identified by Allah in the Qur’an.
“While the Qur’an 4:34 is applicable to Nushuuz committed by the wife, Qur’an 4:128 identifies the Nushuuz on the part of the husband; whereas, Qur’an 4:35″ refers to the Nushuuz (sense of ‘dislike’ and ‘turning away’) committed by both husband and wife.
Dr Adeyemi called on women to be merciful to their husbands and manage whatever is available with them, but asked men to reciprocate their wives’ good gesture by not taking them for granted, irrespective of whatever they’re going through.
“Let’s not look for blames anymore, let’s look within ourselves. In fact, it is when things are going wrong in the community that we need to be more merciful towards each other. Let the wife understand that this man is going through stress, he has to pay school fees, house rent, take care of a lot of financial commitments and he doesn’t have the means of doing so conveniently. Let the wife be merciful towards him and make life easier for him. Let them manage whatever is available and speak encouraging words to their husbands.
In the same vein, the renowned counselor advised the husband not take his wife for granted. “He shouldn’t say: are you blind, can’t you see there is a problem, I don’t have money”. Adeyemi enjoined the man to rather take it easy, saying everybody understands that things are not going on well, “but if you don’t have, don’t turn it into a quarrel. Don’t become aggressive and vindictive, complaining about everything. Just accept and let everyone understand that you are actually not angry with your wife, but your situation.
“So, people should stop transferring aggression. Rather, what I believe in, is why don’t husbands and wives watch after each other, take care of each other, speak kind words to each other, give hope to each other, give encouragement to each other, so that we can ameliorate the pains of these difficult times for ourselves.
Technology makes parenting harder in 21st Century – Don
Dr. Ganiyat Adenle-Tijani of the Lagos State University posited that parental challenges are the same across generations.
She however, noted that the advent of technology, social media and the challenge of political correctness are making parenting harder in the 21st Century.
Adenle-Tijani, who spoke on the Challenges of Parenting in the 21st Century noted that the apps that kids are exposed to today weren’t in existence before now; saying, “the online platforms are new to us. Now, somebody far away can access your daughter, arrange meeting with her and then violate her without your knowledge.
“Apart from that, the challenge of political correctness of everybody by trying to recognize all these behaviours as human rights makes it difficult. I think at the end of the day, as Muslim parents, we just need to understand that there will continue to be emerging challenges. The responsibility on us is to pay attention and to adjust our training models to be able to cater for these challenges,” she noted.
On tackling peer problem, the journalism lecturer called on parents to monitor, dedicate time and ensure their kids relate with other children who share the same ideology with them.
She said, “There should also be a lot of monitoring. I don’t believe in today’s freedom, where you give secondary school students android phones that are connected to the internet and then you allow them go out with friends, and you don’t know what they are doing. No form of monitoring whatsoever for them.
“I think today, we are becoming more like part-time parents. That is actually what is responsible for most of our problems. Another thing is, we actually think we can use authority to control our children. It doesn’t work. We have to convince them that this is the right thing, so that when you’re with or not with them, they will be conscious of doing the right thing.
“Also, we need other people who share our views to actually mentor our kids. If you’re determined to do it alone, when they run into problem and they’re not confident to talk to you, and you haven’t provided them with good mentors, they will take advice from the wrong people,” she said.
Dr. Adenle-Tijani urged parents to constantly pay attention to their children while in schools, saying, doing this will afford them the opportunity to know what’s happening to them.
In her words, “I think, right now, we choose schools based on names, prestige and all kinds of reasons.The earlier we begin to look for schools that share our values, the better for our kids.
“We have to pay attention to what happens to them while in school. Some parents only visit their children in school once in a term, that is for open day, if at all they attend. You have to constantly pay attention to what happens to your kids at school, for you to know what’s going on with them. Whether it’s a faith-based school or not, nobody can do your work for you. Your kids can be open to bullying and violation, even in the most conscious faith-based schools. The reality is to always be on guard”, she concluded.
